Monthly Archives: April 2014
Deep breath here….and exhale. Deep breath again……exhale.. Okay, I’m ready.
I’ve been saying the title words of this post a lot lately.
Now, more than ever I need…
Now, more than ever I want….
Now, more than ever I wish…. (and it goes on like this)
The end of this sentence can be many different things. It changes by the minute it seems. Lately, it keeps ending in I need to create something and have other people recognize it.
I walk around most days with other words falling from my lips as well. These are most often “It doesn’t matter..” This is said in response to thoughts like, “No one is interested in what I have to say.” “I’m just a mother, nothing important” “I’m not really an artist” (these echoed by my husband)
Or these words come in response to memories that replay in my head like the embarrassment of an unzipped fly in high school or the time on the bus in middle school that I acted like I had multiple personalities…..(yeah, that happened…briefly)
Yes, I’m aware that I have a wonderful life. Health, wealth and happiness is mine in plentiful measure. But still these words fall from me and these rips appear in my self-confidence.
I use these words to push away the thoughts that I know are unproductive and toxic to me… to shove down the doubts that whisper to me endlessly, I also use them to minimize any pain I may legitimately be feeling and I use them to remind myself that I am lesser. Unworthy. My desires are unimportant and trivial.
Someone, somewhere is living a much worse life than I. WHY CAN’T I JUST BE GRATEFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE????? I don’t need to feel productive in my life, subsistence is surely enough. I shouldn’t need external validation of any kind whatsoever.
Why does our culture promote fucking stoicism like it’s a GOD? I don’t have it in me. I can’t pretend that I do.
Even now I feel the urge to mock my emotions or add the disclaimer of too much wine and make light of my feelings so people can treat it as not real…so I can treat it as not real….
Because if something matters then if (when) it fails it can hurt you….really hurt you… That is what it boils down to.
When you claim something, it becomes part of you and when(if) people ignore it or trash it, they’re doing the same to you. Especially with something as personal as art. There is no separating the art and the artist (at least not for me). Birthing children and creating art is like having your heart outside of your body and out of your control (and protection)
So, here I am saying it…
Now, more than ever I will make the art that calls to me.
Now, more than ever I will acknowledge my feelings and try to feel them but not let them drown me.
Now, more than ever I will (try to) stop saying “It’s not important” because it is. It’s important to me and that’s okay.
Got no excuses for you. We’ve been busy with life, you know how it goes. Anyway, things have been getting done, just not documented.
I’ve made lots of blankets for babies, a Hazama costume for nephew, dresses for girl zombies, sewn seeds for the garden, plotted projects, dyed fabric, tried twin needle stitching (love it!), went on spring break visits (hangover for mommy), watched lots of netflix and remembered that I need to take iron supplements so I don’t feel completely fatigued. My energy is returning and the sun shines more often than not so things are looking up I tell you.
Speaking of things looking up, you remember this rant I posted not too long ago? It seems that I was not the only one who felt strongly about their site redesign sucking so bad. They’ve brought back some of the old organization and I can browse more and go out shopping less. Way to go Fabric.com! Don’t f*#k it up again…
Things on tap for this spring include making lavender,sage and lemon verbena sachets to (maybe) sell at the local farmers market along with some blankets/any other craftiness I manage to cook up, getting to the gym once a week (maybe), birthday party for the last zombie, candle making (maybe) and last and hopefully the least painful my own birthday. Oy..
Here are what pics I managed in the month off. Hope to be back soonish.